I just found out that an old male "friend" of mine is getting ready to welcome a baby soon. Yes, I am happy for him since he doesn't have any children and this would be his first child. He is a young African-American male that is currently pursuing his dreams by playing football semi-professionally.
He was my first kiss in second grade.. the kiss that left me yelling, "ew" and running out of our nicely single-file lavatory line and back into Mrs. Geters classroom. He was my first crush as he wore a grey suit, a tapered flat top and too much vaseline on his face for school pictures in third grade. As I sat on the porch with one of my girls listening to "dial my heart" on the boombox while he walked down the street with his football shoulder pads on running late for practice.. he would wave and I would roll my eyes but I always liked him. He was that boy that told everyone confidently in the class that he liked me.
We lost contact but we always came back. At 21, adults then.. I looked at him differently then I did when I was 7 years old. At 21 he was 6 feet tall, slender athletic frame with a neatly trimmed goatee and possessed a chisled 6-pack (ha!). We were a couple.. but not quite. We did everything together, went everywhere together, everyone thought we were a couple but we weren't. People would ask me why.. I would reply simply..
The timing wasn't right.
We got older but lost touch a little .. did whatever on the side but we always established a sense that whatever happened we were going to get together in the end and raise a family since I was (in his words) the girl he always wanted and compared everyone to.
Well, imagine my surprise when I go onto My.space (it's the devil ya'll) and notice that his new girlfriend is soon to be expecting. He had somehow not even mentioned it to me .. the girlfriend or the pregnancy.
Imagine how I felt when he sent me a text telling me he had a dream that I was the one having his baby. That I was the one raising a family with him. That he thinks about me alot. Kinda too late now huh? So in the midst of having this conversation, I told him congratulations on being a daddy and tried to muster enough courage to send a smile through the phone waves.
I can't say that I'm not disappointed .. I can't say that I'm not hurt.. but I do realize that time waits for no (wo)man.
I'm also wise enough to see that it wasn't "timing" that wasn't ready... it was me that wasn't.